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Farewell - 2006-03-15 |
2004-03-18 - 8:21 p.m. December 8: It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It was so romantic that we felt like newlyweds again. December 9: We awoke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering everything. I love snow. Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. I shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I cleaned our driveway and sidewalk, but this afternoon the snowplow came by and filled in both the driveway and the sidewalk. December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. I'm really disappointed. My neighbor, Bob, says not to worry -- that we'll have so much snow by the end of winter that I'll be sick and tired of it. I don't think that's possible but Bob is such a nice neighbor anyway. December 14: Snow!! Lovely snow! 8 inches last night and the temperature dropped to -20 degrees. The cold air took my breath away as I stepped outside to shovel the driveway and sidewalk again. This is the life! This afternoon the snowplow came back and filled in the driveway and sidewalk again. I didn't realize that I would have to do this much shoveling, but I will certainly get back into shape with this exercise. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so much while shoveling. December 15: 20 inches are forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer, and I bought snow tires for my wife's car and two extra shovels. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. That's silly. We aren't in Alaska. December 16: Ice storm this morning and I fell on my @$$ on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. The wife laughed for an hour which I thought was very cruel. December 17: Still way below freezing. The roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. I should have bought that wood stove. I hate it when she is right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20: Electricity is back on, but we had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. It took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. I tried to find a neighbor kid to do the shoveling, but they all said they were too busy playing hockey. I think they are lying. I called the local hardware store about a snowblower but they said they were all sold out. I think they are lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will do it for me and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white backbreaking stuff fell last night and it's so cold it probably won't melt until August. It took 45 minutes to get dressed to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went to the bathroom, and then dressed again I was too tired to shovel. I tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck to do the driveway but he said he was too busy. I think the lazy bum is lying. December 23: Only two inches fell today and it warmed up to 0. The wife wants me to decorate the front of the house. Is she nuts??? Why didn't she say something a month ago? She says that she did but I think she's lying. December 24: 6 more inches of snow packed so hard that I broke the shovel. I thought I was having a heart attack! If I ever catch the no good bum who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his ears and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over. Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow. December 25: Merry Christmas, Ho, Ho, Ho!!! 20 more inches of the white slop last night. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. Oh, how I hate the snow. The snowplow driver came by and asked for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If she asks me to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" again, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave. December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? This was all her idea. She is really getting on my nerves. December 27: Temperature dripped to a -30 and the pipes froze. Had to wait 14 hours for a house call from a plumber and he charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes. December 28: Warmed up to -20 and still snowed in. The old battleaxe I live with is driving me crazy! December 29: 10 more inches today. Bob says I will have to shovel the roof or it might collapse. How dumb does he think I am? December 30: The roof collapsed and I beat up the snowplow driver and now he is suing me for a million dollars. The battleaxe went home to her mother. 9 inches predicted. December 31: I set fire to what is left of the house. No more shoveling! Ha, ha, ha! Janurary 5: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
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