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Farewell - 2006-03-15 |
2002-03-18 - 10:29 p.m. Almost eighteen years now, well that�s not a fair time estimate. I�m sure there was a nice period of three or so years of innocence where I didn�t think to deeply about anything. One of the problems with being advanced is that you question everything. This trait so admired by the academic world has royally screwed me over in any chance of a next. World that is. Life after death. James has become my muse of religion. He explains things to me that I�ve wondered for years. My newly found enlightenment on these issues have freed me from many chains of the past yet fasten tighter some as well. How would you like it if you found out your soul is damned. I�m a good person. I am giving and trustworthy. For the most part I stand up for what I believe in and I have a code of morals and ethics which I�ll share with anyone willing to poke, prod, and listen to me. I think most people would agree that I am the caring gal I claim to be. I have had my dose of injustices in my time. Probably quite a few more than most people have suffered at my age in this country. But no regrets. Things happen and will continue to happen and it�s not fair to blame it on God. For the record I don�t blame my current suffering on him. Even though as soon as I left the DeCaro household I looked up at the stars and asked Him why me? Why can�t I believe as so many others do. If that�s what it takes to be offered a seat in heaven, to believe in the savior. Why can�t I do it? So much of my Christian education during my youth was spent questioning my Sunday School teachers. I wanted answers and no one could provide them. The ultimate question of �why?� was always shrugged off. I am very thankful to James who has decided to tackle them to my satisfaction. Which makes me wonder, if a person strongly believes in their religion why should they be afraid to answer questions. Shouldn�t they want to know as much as I do or more the how and the why? Not many things in my life have been able to shake me with such emotion that I fear I may collapse because of it. But tonight I faced one. It took a lot for me not to explode in James� lap. What a sight that would have been, me coming out of his room, saying goodnight to his mother with tears running down my face. I left quickly and cried in the car. As a child I was always taught about Jesus and how he is the savior and that he died for our sins. I accepted it as knowledge but never believed it. I still can�t believe it. I can see it and know that it�s there. Know that it�s true. Know that it must be true. Yet I can�t seem to cross that line. It breaks my heart, too. �Why?� I asked God aloud. �I�m a good person. I wouldn�t fail you like that. I just want help to believe. To have faith.� Tears ran down my cheeks. It seems so unfair that I can go through life and strive to be the best that I can be and will still only see the Devil and his fiddle. I brought up the sometimes embarrassing fact that I watch the show 7th Heaven on a regular basis. I tune in partially to help keep me calm when it comes to my own family. Watching a family that loves each other, cares for each other, and helps each other, even if it is on TV, is a wonderful thing. It helps make me grateful for what I have. The other reason I watch is because it makes me smile to think of how nice it would be to have faith. To have something to cling to when everything else goes wrong. Currently all I have is myself. And while that is enough for me right now, I can�t imagine me every failing myself, but what if there comes a time when I am not enough. I once became so depressed I thought of suicide. I helped pull me out of that one though I�m sure God help even though I didn�t ask. What if I fall in to such a depression again and am not able to pull myself out of it? So I die? A miserable death indeed. �I suppose I�ll just have to be patient,� I said to James. Indeed, what else can I be? �He takes us all when He wants us, eh?� James let a faint smile fall across his face. I couldn�t tell if he felt sorry for me� or well, if he just felt sorry for me. So, now I sit here in the assurance that I am the one in control of me having a good day or not, trying to grasp how if I can manipulate my feelings and outlooks why I can�t manipulate by beliefs. Today is a good example: I was sick most of the day (if not all), had to put up with one of the most annoying people in the world who is staying at my house, and got things poked and shoved in painful positions at the gynecologist�s office and I still considered this to be a good and wonderful day, because I live. Life is so precious and so many of us take it for granted. I think myself remarkable for this ability. It took along time to create such an eyesight. Yet, I wonder, as grateful as I am for everything I have, would I trade it all for the bum with faith in Jesus and God? My money�s on yes. January 14, 1999 So what comes after you die? I thought today in Trig/Precal class and interesting thought. I was listening to a Steve Miller Band song. I think it was serenade, and when they said "wake up" I thought hmmm, what if when you die you actually wake up. Maybe your spirit or soul or mind was alive and well in another life before this, and your spirit actuall fell asleep when you were born into this world? I've had dreams that I have had a dream in the dream, which would help justify the dreams we have now. So if we fall asleep when we were born that means we wake up again once we die and our night's sleep in that other life and world is over and we're ready for another day in that life. But the, I thought, what would that life be like? So I thought in ratios, like three is to six as six is to twelve; which would transfer into our dreams now are to this life as this life is to the next. Everything would be new, so incrediable. In dreams now, we can't feel, taste, or smell anything. Although we can imagine we are tasting an orange or feeling a knife cut us or smelling stinky things, it's not actually there. Vision and hearing aren't impaired, though. So think of all the new senses we would or might acquire in this new, hypothetical world. It would be like a fourth dimension. If the difference between second and third dimensions is 10 fold, maybe the difference between third and fourth dimensions would be 100 fold! Wow! Oh well. It's just a thought to ponder on. Nothing I truly believe, although it would be nice if it was true.
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