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Farewell - 2006-03-15 |
2002-03-27 - 12:10 a.m. All my rantings. All my questions that have been responded to have brought me no closer to my resolution. Where is my answer? Good people! There are so many good people in this world. Yet they suffer? Why? As a question of faith? To show their lack of faith? I can�t force myself to believe and I have thrown myself at God�s feet. �Mercy! Mercy!� I cry. �Give me something to cling on to. Allow me to have the faith! Please!?� I beg. Yet all He does is stare back at me as if saying �at least you know I exist.� I see the truth and am still not allowed to cling to it. Instead I am left to wonder what has happened to all those that have gone before me. Now, Mother! Mother! My sister�s mother! I cannot claim that I loved her like a mother for my respect for her was much greater than I could ever explain. A remarkable woman. Infected with disease. Indeed, she was the longest living person with this disease. A torture-some death. Stretched out over years. And I have no reassurance that her beatings and endurance were worth it in the end. Yes, she got to see her children grow up a bit more. But will never see them date. Will never see them graduate. Will never see them off to college. Will never see them marry. And the children are neglected of this privilege? this right? I feel selfish. I shall try to explain. I am confused. Good people go to heaven, so some say. �Those that do evil will get theirs in the end,� my friend Susan told me today when we were talking about Joseph. That got my mind turning. What if I am an evil person? Though no one will ever tell me I am, except maybe the afore mentioned Joseph. �No, you�re a good person, Sarah,� they tell me. But how can you be sure? What if the small things I�ve done, the things I thought were not my fault actually are and I am forever branded with such sins that will do my soul in? What if my recollection of the past does not hold true? Am I responsible for things I'm not sure of? In part, I say yes. I didn�t say �no!� I didn�t walk away. Months later, I didn�t even bother. �Fine, do whatever. Just get it over with.� And now, never again. Eventually a passion will exist. I�ll want to be there and to do things. I�ll want to share an experience. But things I'm not sure about I can only wish it had never happened. Am I a coward towards my own actions? Probably. This is why I feel I am selfish. All this time I am looking for answers for my damned soul. Shouldn�t I just give up and help others? Face what is inevitable. Rise from the good Lord�s feet. I do. �I don�t know why you�re doing this,� I tell Him. �but I trust you, Father. You are my creator. I am yours to do what you see fit. I trust your judgment.� I back away. I return to my world to help others. To be kind and a friend to those in need. To stir intellect. To love and be loved. To show others possibilities they never dreamed of. Beat back the evil in the world and try to help right the injustices done. If my soul be damned� *hangs head* what can I do?
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